Do you ever feel the need for a fresh start? In the means of a change of scenery or a new job to refresh yourself from the monotony of every day life? I’ve been thinking about that lately. I’ve been in this same town for my whole life, a full twenty years. I’ve never known any different. I’ve only traveled outside of the state once. Even that was still spent with the same people I see on a daily basis and ended in tragedy. I plan on moving away from here once I get on my feet. I’ve been working towards that lately. I’ll be getting my license here soon. Been really working a lot of hours at work. I’ve been spending more time there than anywhere else. I don’t spend much time with my family which I don’t mind. I’ve just not been getting much sleep. It’s 1am where I am now. I don’t fall asleep most nights until 3am sometimes. Being on here probably isn’t good for me. Oops. I just needed to write this down first. In other news I got a new relationship. He’s been there with me for almost 11 years now. He’s my best friend. I’ve never been happier. He makes life worth living. I love him very much. He’s maybe going into the Airforce soon. I pray he stays safe throughout his journey. Stay shining!
I’m so sorry about not posting in the last few months. My schedule is filled with work and responsibilities at home. The times I have free are spent zoning out and day dreaming to keep my mind off the stresses of every day life. I got a permanent position at my job. Yay! I got the news just before Christmas which was great Christmas was good. I spent it with my family on the Eve and then with my boyfriend’s family on the day of. In other news. My boyfriend and I are no longer. I don’t regret it. It was the right decision for my life was going in a different direction than his. Life happens and all you can do is learn from it. I have been continuing redecorating my room and it’s almost complete I think. I promise from now on I’ll make the effort of writing on here at least once a week. Hopefully I can get it up to multiple times a day for I know I have enough thoughts to fill a page three times over. Blossom and shine for all to see people of the world and don’t let anything poison your beauty.
A day off finally! I’ve worked so many hours. Who knew a part-time job could take up so much time. I guess when all of your responsibilities start being packed into the few hours you have you really don’t have any hours to spare much. And the few you have you don’t want to spend doing anything that takes mind power. I listen to music and just drift off into my own little world of my own making when I have time to spare. Most of the time it’s late at night when I can’t sleep and everyone has gone to sleep. So there really isn’t anyone to talk to.
I lately have cooked dinner for my family which I’ve never done because my sister has always done it. This week though she got a job. Her job takes her away from our home for 8 hours at a time. That time goes straight through the afternoon and evening when the cooking and cleaning is done. Me and my brother now take on the responsibilities of the house. He now too has a job of taking care of a child after school so he’s gone almost all the afternoon too. I’m learning hard and fast how it feels to take care of a house and have a job at the same time. Like a working mother…..I didn’t plan to do this so soon….I kind of hoped I’d have kids before this happened but when your mother is disabled and your father works a longer day than you and only wants to eat and sleep once he gets home all the responsibility falls upon you. My sister and brother no longer have the ability to do so. At least my brother comes home to do the cleaning up after I cook which helps out a lot.
My job was stressing me out a lot last week. Almost to the point of depression and wanting to quit. I didn’t though and I’m glad. Something happened to me at work the other day. I haven’t the slightest idea what but I do know that it made me feel carefree and happy. I hope to have that same feeling when I go back tomorrow. I have a very long day tomorrow. I know not all of it is going to be work related but I gotta wake up early.
I have been busy with some projects I have meant to do in my room redecorating. I finally have my headboard. It really helps the room. I never noticed how much a difference a headboard could make to a bedroom but damn does it ever. I got a solution today that’ll help me finish painting my nightstand and dresser. I hope tomorrow to acquire a desk…..if the woman will sell it to me. It’ll be the last big piece of furniture that I’ll need I hope. The rest is just additions to things I already have or decor items.
I have yet to start doing my school work again…..so much stuff going on that all I wanna do in my free time is anything but that. I’ve tried to motivate myself. I guess I should read back on my earlier posts hm? It’s hard to motivate yourself. A goal I have but my priorities have been jumbled up because of my situation being changed up a few times in the past few weeks.
I’m sorry about not updating very often. I will try harder to make time for my followers though few and far between. I hope you follow nonetheless. Thank you for listening and paying attention.
You can’t always count on people to make you feel better, even in your times of need. No one really knows what you need unless you tell them. What sucks is when you really don’t wanna tell anyone how you feel. It’s just too hard to accept yr own feelings, much less sharing this with others. I know it is extremely hard for me. Even with the people I trust my life with. I can’t tell them how I feel. I can’t let them see what is going on in my head. Not just cuz I don’t want them to see but I’m afraid of what is really in there. Most of the time it makes no sense. Other times my mind just comes up with reasons so that I start feeling a certain way just to seek attention. No it’s not the best tactic but it’s the way I work. So I’m sorry if I cry a lot. I’m sorry if I go away and then come back when you don’t really want me to return. I’m just looking for comfort. I’m just looking for love. I’m just looking to feel special in some way because I don’t feel special at all. I wish I could tell the people everything to begin with but I can’t. Something always holds me back. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried but all that ever comes out is nothing like it got caught in my throat and is about to choke me if I don’t swallow it back in. So I can’t rely on others to comfort me. I can’t rely on others to know how I feel. All I can do is hope and pray I make it through the night and that tomorrow will be a better day.
Sorry about it being such a long time since I’ve written. It’s been a busy few weeks.
My family and I were cleaning up the house for some out-of-town family that were going to be staying at my house for a couple of weeks. They came in on the 11th and stayed until just the other day. We hadn’t seen these family members in years. We had so much to catch up on. They loved being down here I think. They sure seemed like they did. We would take them out to eat and visit with all the other family members that live around here. We would also stay up until the wee hours of the mornings a few nights just talking away to our hearts content. Sadly though we couldn’t keep them around long. They had to go back home. It was a bittersweet moment when I said goodbye to them. For one I was sad because they were leaving and I enjoyed their company. Secondly though I was happy they were leaving because it meant I didn’t have to share my room with my sister anymore lol
Another thing that has happened in the past few weeks is that I GOT MY FIRST JOB! I am so happy. I now work at a retail department store. For copyright purposes I won’t say them by name I started my training earlier this week. I surpassed the bosses requirements for work yesterday lol I did today’s and yesterday’s work on accident. Hey I just do what I’m told to do lol Tomorrow is my first full day of working. I’ll get my picture taken and then sent out onto the floor with a trainer I’m so excited!!! I hope this job sticks because I really like the people I have worked with so far. They said at the beginning that this would only be a temporary job unless they want to hire me on as a full part-time employee. I hope they keep me. Crossing my fingers
Some unhappy news, at least for me, is that I have gained 20 pounds in the past few months. I haven’t been very self motivated about exercising for some time now…..In fact I haven’t really exercised any in the past couple years. I hope to start doing more exercising and getting on a weight loss plan to lose those pesky 20 pounds. I hope to keep a record of my progress on this blog to help keep me on track. My family and friends have been supportive of me and giving advise but I haven’t really been listening. My problem I believe is that I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I can achieve my goals. But BABY I am going to start working out and exercising more and becoming healthier. Now I’m not gonna be one of those types that posts a picture of my body every week. I don’t think I need to do that. Seems kinda silly to me in the first place to show everyone that. I can understand the taking pictures thing though. it helps put what you look like right in front of you so you can see the progress you are making. I’m gonna make a separate blog for my weight loss stuff. So if you wanna keep track of me, give me advise, or just give me support you can do so over there. Thanks :)
Well that’s all that has gone on in the past three weeks. I hope to start writing more often now that I don’t have anybody staying over here that I have to be hostess to. I’ll definitely be updating more since I’m starting the weight loss thing. Have a great night and I hope to see you tomorrow!
Today is one of those days that I just wish someone would take me away. The kind of day where I wish I could just leave and be alright. The kind of day I feel the need to just be rid of my family and strike out on my own. Sadly none of those things happen for a multitude of reasons. It’s either, I have no money, no stability, nowhere to go, or no one who can take me away. I would go live with my sister if I knew I’d be taken care of there. Sadly I don’t like how she keeps house or raises her children anymore than my mother does. Which is why I hate when she compares me to her. I could stay at my bosses house. She has offered me a place to stay. Again though I have no way of driving myself places to get out of her hair while she teaches. After the fact where would I go from there? Once I’ve lived out my welcome where do I go? I have things I must do first. I must finish my schooling and create some ground to stand on. I cannot just jump into another situation where there is no foothold much less stability. I cannot just swing from one trapeze to the next without knowing that, that one will lead me to the platform. I need air to breathe for I am drowning in the ocean. Every standing I find on the ocean floor shelves gets swept away as quickly as the current passes.
Where do I go from here? How do I stand still on a moving floor? These are questions I ask myself from day-to-day. It makes me feel that there is no hope. That there is no door that is open. That door is far away if it even does exist. God show me the way. Show me where to go. I have nowhere to turn but to you. Save me.
All of those things are what photography is to me. I love looking at others photography and getting inspired. I love taking my silly little cheap camera and taking pictures of whatever I might find interesting. I’ve been able to achieve some pretty decent photos with my camera. I just know that they can be better though with a better camera, but alas I have what I have and you know what? I don’t mind.
My favorite kind of photography to look at and to take is nature. There are so many options and angles and shots you can get with just one flower, tree, rock, grass strand, or animal. Nature amazes me and I want to capture what I see in one shot. I can’t though. It’s so difficult to capture all the beauty of the world in a small photograph. To capture such wonders takes a life time. A life time filled with anticipation and wonder. Filled with joy and sadness. You must have all these things to capture beauty that can not be seen by others. A spectrum of emotion brings a spectrum of possibilities.
I hope to one day have albums of pictures to show my children. To show them the beauty of the world but also the sadness. You can not know the whole world without both. To see the smallest things in the largest of pictures. Not missing one without the other. Having the big picture put into many smaller. I believe there is beauty in even the darkest and dirtiest of places. Such is the world around us. We just have to take a closer look. That is what I want to do with my photos. Look closer at the bad to see the good.
I’ve added some of my photography. Please ask for permission before sharing or reblogging. Thank you. I hope you enjoy the wonders that I see.
Lately my family has changed the house around. We are playing musical bedrooms and other rooms are getting makeovers. I’ve never been much of one to favor change but I’ve meditated on the fact and I’ve had a change of heart. Change doesn’t mean nothing will ever be the same again. It means the things that are important won’t change and the things that do are changing to help those things, in which are important, not have to.
Things that change are scary and unpredictable. It takes much courage to change how you feel about something. It takes courage to take that first step towards changing your life. Before you take that step you start to question what you are about to do. You over think every little detail. So much so that you end up not taking that step and not doing anything. Staying where you are and never changing. That’s not good though.
There are some things in this world that have to change. Some of the smaller examples is the layout of the furniture in a room. There is always a layout in which can be most functional and effective in each room. Sometimes it means getting rid of some of the furniture to make room for new stuff. Other times you just need to adjust one or two things to be able to live in the room comfortably. Sometimes there are things we might not want to get rid of so we store them instead so the room is still functional. The same goes for things in life. We have friends and family that we love and cherish. Sometimes though we lose some of them. Our friends leave but there is always a reason for that. No matter what the reason they weren’t there to make your life better anymore even if they were to begin with. When they leave it makes room for new ones. Now family can’t be replaced but we can always have the memories to cherish and the thoughts of one day seeing them again.
Change isn’t a bad thing. I’ve had to learn that the hard way and am still learning. It’s still hard for me to change thins that I know need to be changed. It’s just so safe staying with what you know…..and that’s a problem. If I’m always trying to stay safe how am I learning? I’m not saying throw caution to the wind but don’t be so cautious that you turn into a hermit and never venture out and live your life. My grandmother is like that. She doesn’t like us going out of the house. She tells us stories of horrible things that happen to people. She never does tell us about the good things though. Think about it…..She tells us about the girl who was raped and killed on her own street but didn’t tell us about the girl who won the award. She tells us about the bullying in schools but doesn’t tell us about what people learn in school. Making everything sound like a horror movie will definitely turn you into a hermit. Yet life isn’t a horror movie, a dramatic movie, or a tragedy. All of these aspects are in the world yes but that’s not all that’s out there. It’s about living. About love and hate; About forgiveness and regret. For every dark side there is a light. It’s time for me to change my life and not become like that. See the beauty of the world and not see everything negatively.
Rather crazy switching between thought processes in this post but that’s how my mind works. Sorry if you got lost.
I’ve never been one to accept help from others. I’ve always decided I would help myself get out of problems. I can tell you it’s never gotten me anywhere. I’ve ended up in a hole of shame and sorrow. A hole I dug myself. I’ve written many a poem about my hole but I’ve never once found a way out. I’ve found ways of building shaky structures to stand upon to see what lies on the surface but sooner or later it crashes down around me. I fall back into this hole over and over. I need to find out how to fill it and not hover over it.
Many people have given me advice. I sadly only take it as not living up to their expectations. I want to not look at everything negatively. I want to change my outlook on life. For if I continue down this path I will never be fully happy. I started writing this blog in hopes of looking at everything in my head from another point of view. Well here’s something I need to look at……the fact that every time I receive advice or am offered help I turn away and become depressed, feel unwanted, and feel like a disappointment to the one’s offering help. Why is this? It’s because I can’t even accept my own advice. Do you know how many times I have looked at people and knew exactly what I needed to tell them at that time to help them through their troubles? So many people have thanked me for helping them but I can’t even help myself. It’s time I actually stand up for myself and get what I need. I know what I need and it isn’t what I’m getting.
What I need is to make myself take those steps in my life that will set me on the path to freedom. The steps that will lead me where I need to go. I pray to God everyday to show me what I need and where I need to go. I have denied that help for far too long and have let the devil overtake my soul. The devil has led me down the wrong path and there are so many people who God has placed before me to help me. How it is that I have never seen this before is bewildering to me. I have been in a dark place for a long time. It is time to see the light and feel the sunshine on my face. Is this blog’s motto not “This is the moment to shine”?
I know what I must do and first thing I need to do…..Get off this damned computer and out there pumping endorphins. I need to get myself out of this rut. What better way to do it than run? If it’s not raining tomorrow like it has been at least. I can still get on the Wii and do some running. I have so much stuff on my Pinterest that can help me. I know what I need to help me I just don’t actually do it. Well here I come world, I’m taking you by storm and dammit I am gonna be the woman that makes the devil fear me as I get out of bed in the morning.
I’ve always been inspired by music. Ever since I was younger. I am even listening to some as I write this.
My passion for music was inspired in the days of dancing around the kitchen as my older sister cooked us lunch. We’d have the radio blaring and we’d sing at the top of our lungs with the songs we knew. We mostly listened to 80′s music because that’s what my sister listened to when she was younger and it had some of the best dance tunes at the time. Some of my favorites were Mickey by Toni Basil and Major Tom (Coming home) by Peter Schilling. My younger brother and I would always spin and twirl when Major Tom would count down. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Oh the memories of the times we are young and carefree.
I am now fulfilling my passion with teaching. I am a piano teacher part-time though I don’t have any students at this time. I do help my former teacher teach younger children music theory though. I still play on my own from time to time. I didn’t take 4 years of lessons for nothing now did I? haha
I love the way I was taught. I wasn’t taught from the age of 5 like most. I started learning when I was 12 years old. My teacher teaches in a nontraditional way. I actually started learning to play with 2 hands doing 2 different things right off the bat unlike most traditional teachers where you only learn to play the melody with both hands. My first piece I ever learned I taught myself to play when I was 8 years old after watching one of my old favorite shows Arthur. I had heard him playing Chopsticks on the piano. With the keyboard my family had bought me, since I had shown such interest in the piano at my aunt’s house, I started playing trying to figure out what keys I had to press to get that sound to come out. I figured it out in no time and I was playing it up to speed not too long after that. I next taught myself to play a simple arrangement of Let There Be Peace On Earth, by my not yet but soon to be piano teacher, for a talent show. Within a year after that I was taking lessons. I performed in recitals twice a year til I was 16-17 years old.
It’s been a tough few years and music has carried me through hard times more than anything else has. I helps me arrange my thoughts into something understandable and it helps me to express myself in ways I can not do with words. Music is my guide through life. I’ve even started writing my own. I hope to some day get it all the way finished. To all those music lovers out there. Make that passion into something special. I’m trying to